So You're a Billionaire Who Wants to Be President?

A helpful quiz for America's befuddled wealthitarians By Rebecca Clifton & Lance Hansen

No cheating.  •  Cartoon by Lance Hansen.

No cheating. Cartoon by Lance Hansen.

Well, you're obviously qualified. Unfortunately, people who are sadly not billionaires will try to trick you by asking confusing questions like how much a box of Cheerios costs. This handy quiz features common questions non-billionaires face. Pick the most electable answers, and you, too, can become a leader of the common man!


1. How much is a Little Caesar's Hot And Ready Pizza?
a. The price is irrelevant. It's delicious!”
b. “Less than a billion dollars, so I can definitely afford it.”
c. “If my AI-enhanced assistant Googled correctly, six dollars.”

2. You've been invited to a wedding, but can't afford a gift. What do you do?
a. “When I hit ten yogurts, maybe Yogurtland will give me cash instead.”
b. “Have one of my artist friends—like Damien Hirst—do an installation for them.  Personalized gifts are always better anyway.”
c. “I'm not going to any weddings until my gay friends can legally marry. Oh, they can? In that case, I attend the wedding, then mail them their local newspaper with the words ‘You own this now’ scrawled across it.”

3. You've decided to take a "stay-cation."  How do you spend it?
a. Punching up my resume while driving for Uber and delivering for Caviar so I can afford daycare.
b. With Richard Branson and Mariah Carey, fishing off of Richard's blimp.
c. Stay-cation? Oh, I see what you did there. That's not really a thing, is it?

4.  How often do you frequent Dollar Tree?
a. Two to four times a week, give or take.
b. Funny, that's what I used to call my trust fund.
c. You mean my genetically engineered hibiscus, which blooms U.S. currency in $20 and $50 denominations, and is kept in a heavily fortified, subterranean greenhou—I mean, "whenever I am looking for top quality merchandise at a cheap price, naturally."

5. What are the dimensions of a Little Caesar's Hot And Ready Lunch Combo?
a. Four 3.5x7-inch slices. That's half of a 14-inch Deep Dish square pie! (Comes with a 20 oz. Pepsi!!).
b. Funny story: the first time I tried pizza I was in Lake Como with Khloé Kardashian.
c. Wait—is it pizza? I’ve just analyzed it and found it is 47.5% “inorganic material.”

6. You are the hunter in a "Most Dangerous Game"-type scenario. What bait would you use to lure your common, yet cunning prey?
a. Affordable healthcare
b. Little Caesar’s? You seem to be pretty focused on that. It's a tie-in, good thinking.
c. Hmmm, my money tree would be pretty irresistible…Oh dammit!

 7. Do you even know what a "Cheerio" is?
a. It’s the name brand version of my favorite Dollar Tree cereal: “Circle-ohs.”
b. What Richard Branson says when you're boarding his blimp.
c. Cheerios is an American brand of cereal manufactured by General Mills, consisting of pulverized oats in the shape of a solid torus. Of course I know what they are, because I am a human entity.

8. Little Caesar's is out of Hot And Ready Pizza. What do you order?
a. Well, I only have $6 for food today. But it looks like most of the menu is pretty cheap—oh wait! Here they come with more Hot And Readys!
b. Artisanal thin crust gluten-free pizza with shaved white truffles. (What I ate with Khloé.)
c. Nothing. My new iGut prototype metabolizes all necessary vitamins and minerals from my own hair and fingernail clippings, creating a closed system viable indefinitely.

Answer key: ˙ʇuǝpᴉsǝɹԀ ǝɯoɔǝq ʇ,uop ǝsɐǝlԀ

REBECCA CLIFTON is a writer living in Philadelphia.  She is a fan of all things Hot And Ready. 

LANCE HANSEN is a The American Bystander printmag contributor whose work has appeared most recently on The Nation's Op Art page.  He is currently working on a number of long-gestating projects.

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