Do these work? We better hope so • Steve Young
Art by Rich Sparks

Art by Rich Sparks


     Someone else emailed.
     I emailed to remind you that I and that other person had emailed.  
     YES: Experts have told us that short sentences get attention.
     They convey URGENCY.
     URGENCY that may trick you into reading an email eerily similar to the ones you’ve gotten every day for the past year.
     An email that’s written for a third grade reading level, because while we’re sure most Trump supporters are stupid, we’re convinced that many of you are stupid too.
     That sentence was probably too long and complicated.  SORRY.
     I’ll be blunt: we need to raise A LOT of money in the next 12 HOURS, or an arbitrary amount of money won’t have been raised by an artificial deadline.  
     Money that presumably will be used to do some good somewhere, but you’ll never know.
     Why am I asking now?  Well, did you see the NEWS?  Trump is ENRAGED!  He’s RED-FACED AND SPLUTTERING with fury!  Because we’re WINNING!  Yet at the same time, we’re LOSING and TRUMP IS VICTORIOUS!  He’s LAUGHING AT US!  At YOU!  We definitely need more money either way!
     If you donate JUST ONE DOLLAR by midnight, it will be quintuple-sextuple-septuple-octuple matched TO ALMOST INFINITY by rich people who are generous only when people like you do something very close to meaningless.
     Frankly, I need you to step up NOW.  But don’t think that donating will get you off the hook, because we’ll be back with another email almost immediately.
     Somehow the fundraising experts don’t think this will sicken you.
     I’ll be clear: something is happening on an ongoing basis that requires urgent responses continuously, as the situation becomes simultaneously bleaker and more hopeful.  
     Simply put, the stakes have never been higher, except for yesterday, and several hundred days before that!  
     BOTTOM LINE: If we succeed in raising the arbitrary amount of money by the artificial deadline, we can claim that the Republicans are STUNNED.
     Then we’ll announce that the Republicans are REDOUBLING THEIR EFFORTS and we’ll come back to you for another dollar tomorrow, but for a few pleasant hours we can all feel like we did something.
     Oh, and if it would add to the feeling that you’re doing something, we have A PETITION you can sign that almost certainly won’t be delivered to anyone.
     Or, check out our childish “Do You Approve Of Trump?” poll with A COLORFUL RECTANGLE TO CLICK.
     So, can I count on your support NOW, or at least in a few hours when I send the next email?
—Chief Fundraiser,
The Democratic Constant Email Committee ◊

This piece will appear in The American Bystander #6.

(@pantssteve) wrote for Letterman for many years. He will soon be seen in a documentary about industrial musicals.
STEVE YOUNG wrote for Letterman for many years. He will soon be seen in a documentary about industrial musicals.
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