Hana Will Answer #1

Dating, Dad, and How to Commit The Perfect Murder • Hana Michels
Hana Michels, photographed by Rebecca Aranda.

Hana Michels, photographed by Rebecca Aranda.


Hi and welcome to my lovely new advice column! My name is Hana Michels and I’m not a therapist. But my parents are, so advice is basically in my genes, just like weird knees and the propensity for Alzheimer’s.
     Even though I’ve messed up my life in every conceivable way, I feel qualified to tell other people what to do with theirs. So time to answer some questions! (Note: Some of these questions were sent in by friends, others by Facebook people I haven’t actually met.)

Dear Hana,
How can I trick my father into respecting me?

—Brian Cox

Hey buddy! This is a very good question to ask a fellow standup comic! I get all the dad respect in the world, and you can too. Just play to every dad stereotype there is, so that he’s a hypocrite if he doesn’t respect you. Wear ill-fitting cargo shorts. Ask how to record something on Netflix. Legally adopt a child. You know, dad stuff.
     Here are a few more steps you can take:
1.     Everyone knows dads worship the thermostat. That’s why they hate when you disrespect it by using it like any other appliance. Every morning, pray to your thermostat. Make sure Dad sees.
2.     Get really defensive about “your” house, and especially “your roof.” When your dad comes over to your apartment tell him, “When you’re under my roof you’ll respect my rules, mister! And that means leaving those Cheetos and tissues in the couch where you found them!”
3.     Get really possessive and weird about your sister’s virginity, so that you and your dad have something in common. Be mean to her boyfriends. Dads love doing this to their daughters. It’s pretty gross.
     Oh shit, Brian, buddy, I just remembered your sister is dead. But I’m still really confident in my advice-giving skills, so on to the next question!

Dear Hana,
How do I get away with murder?
— Cheryl White

What a great question from someone I have not met, and therefore have no idea if this question is real! If it is real, you came to the right person — I’m definitely a murder expert. As above, I’m going to answer this question in a series of steps:
1.     Buy quiet shoes — These could make or break a successful murder.
2.     Procure an icicle — This is the only murder weapon that literally disappears, leaving no trace of itself or your fingerprints.
3.     Forget about the shoes and the icicle and become a rich white male in government —This murder strategy is FOOLPROOF. Trust me.

Time for another question!

Dear Hana,
How do I stop being a surrogate mother to every boyfriend I've ever had?
— Anya Volz

So Anya: your boyfriends are immature, and kind of needy. This is sadly typical. One approach is to wait 5-20 years, to see if they grow out of it.  I’m sorry to say that If you’re in a music/arts/comedy community, they probably won’t.
     I just Googled you (sorry) and noticed you wrote some funny articles for a music satire site. You’re clearly doomed.
     Or you could try being like me: only attracted to emotionally unavailable narcissists. They don’t need mothering. They don’t need anything! They don’t want a mom, or a girlfriend, or a friend, or any semblance of human contact or empathy! It’s very sexy. Plus, narcissists try to control everything you do, so it’s like they are your parent! Who you have sex with! Hooray! Also, speaking of sex, they are bad at it.
     I feel a little sick about my life choices right now, but telling someone else what to do will fix that! 

Dear Hana,
Does this look infected?

 This question is hack and I refuse to answer it. Next time (if you’re still alive) be more creative with your problems.
     I’ll answer another one, because I don’t want to go out like that.

Dear Hana,
How do I manage my time better, so I can work on both long-term and short-term goals?
—Cathy Humes

Dear Cathy,
I am emailing this answer to Bystander late, because I just spent 3 hours looking at a gif of a fabulous horse. Then I looked up “fabulous horse” on Wikipedia but there were no hits. Apparently there was a British band that released an album called “Horse Fabulous” though. I haven’t heard it but the album art looks ok. Don’t really like the color scheme. Anyway, the answer is you should time-travel to a decade where there was no internet.
     Ok! Now, readers, I need advice from you! I make a lot of questionable choices.

Dear Readers,
1.     I am slightly lactose intolerant but insist on having dairy every day. Should I try heroin?
2.     I like to connect without having to look people in the eye. Luckily, 5 people just followed me on Twitter over a tweet about dog cum. Should I engage with these dog cum people?
3.     I purchased a cheap blackhead suction tool that did not clear my skin but DID make it look like I have herpes. Will you still make out with me? Please say yes. 

Thanks for all your wonderful questions, and one that really really sucked! I’ll be back next week with more highly qualified advice. Until then…
Hana ◊

(@Hanamichels) is a comedy writer and standup comedian who lives in Los Angeles.
Hana Michels (@Hanamichels) is a comedy writer and standup comedian who lives in Los Angeles.
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